Wisconsin Jokes

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The Wisconsin Archeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, a local newspaper in Wisconsin reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Westby, Wisconsin, Ole Svenson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless.”

Crazy About Snow

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow the first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all… We're in Wisconsin!

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Sheesh, I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. gosh darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts?!? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the clown who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ankles and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damned snowplow.

December 25: Merry @x&*#%$ Christmas. 20 more inches of the #*@%&@!#*# slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Sheesh, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The broad is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rectum. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

True Wisconsinites know…

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

“Vacation” means going up north past Hayward for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.

You can drive 65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think the four major food groups are: cheese, beer, fish and venison.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You refer to the Packers as “we”.

You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

You can identify an Illinois accent.

You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.

You consider Madison exotic.

You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow/deer next to your blue spruce.

You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

A brat is something you eat.

Down south to you means Chicago.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

You go out to fish fry every Friday.

You know how to polka and 2-Step.

Your Fourth of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees “a little chilly”.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's “too spendy”, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named “Brett”, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie and Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, “From the land of sky-blue waters,” you might live in Wisconsin.

Survivor – Wisconsin Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor – Wisconsin Style. The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!

A Wisconsin Thermometer

60

Californians put on sweaters
(if they can find one in their wardrobe).

50

Miami residents turn on the heat.

40

You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Wisconsinites go swimming

35

Italian cars don't start

32

Water freezes

30

You plan your vacation to Australia
Wisconsinites put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start

25

Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Wisconsinites eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20

You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15

French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10

Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going

5

You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start

0

Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate

-10

German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20

Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25

Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30

You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start

-40

Californians disappear
Wisconsinites button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your cat helps you plan your trip South

-50

Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80

Polar bears move south
Russian cars don't start

A Wisconsin Poem

It's Winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow.
Seventy miles an hour,
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Wisconsin,
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Wisconsin,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Heaven

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, John,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead.

John looked at God and said “God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”

God said, “So what do you want to know, John?”

“Well, why does Aaron Rodgers get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and said “John, that's not Aaron Rodgers' house. It's mine.”

Where are we?

(Maybe this should be in Blonde Jokes…)

Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the cute blonde behind the counter “Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?”

The blonde leaned forward and said, “Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing.”

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