A guy goes into a bar in East Lansing, Michigan, where there's a robot bartender. The robot asks, “What will you have?”
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What's your IQ?"”
The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender asks again, “What will you have?”
The guy replies again, “Whiskey.”
Once more the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What's your IQ?”
This time the man replies, “100,” whereupon the robot starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions and MSU.
The guy leaves again, but finds it very interesting, so he decides to try it one more time. He turns around and goes back in, and sure enough, the robot bartender asks, “What will you have?”
Just like the previous two times, the man replies, “Whiskey.”
And just like the previous two times, the robot brings him his whiskey and asks, “What's your IQ?”>
The guy pauses for a moment, then says, “Uh, about 50.”
The bartender leans real close and says, speaking slowly and clearly, “So… you people… still happy… with Obama?”
The Pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards President Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand…? Show me!”
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage.
And the crowd cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I'll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, “I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
“Amen,” said Obama.
“Amen,” echoed Reid.
The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show, and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I'm a Senator and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America.” So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, “I am the President of the United States, and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country. Some even call me the ‘Anointed One’.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag.”
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”
“OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.”
“You’re a crafty little bugger,” said the genie.
A Californian and an Arizonan were elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien ran across a clearing. The Arizonian took careful aim, shot, and killed him.
“You can't do that!” cried the Californian.
“It's legal here in Arizona,” replied the Arizonan.
Later that night the Californian went to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He put the beer on the roof of his truck and while he was making room behind the seat, an illegal alien ran by, grabbed the beer, and ran away. The Californian drew his pistol, shot, and killed him. As he was retrieving his beer the police came and arrested him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!” protested the Californian.
“Well, yeah,” said the cop. “But you can't use bait.”
President Obama was at a state dinner in London and was dining with the Queen. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of champagne.“Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
“I'm not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work out in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to him and asked, “Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question.”
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Paul Ryan answered, “That's easy, it's me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Good answer Paul!” He then went back to speak with President Obama.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!”
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an ‘Attitude Suitability Test’, that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
An ex-lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What'll it be, Mr. President?”
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says Bud.
“Wow! That's correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living—or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and said: “Well, you dumb jerk, stop clapping!”
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road.
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful. The cost is $92.84 per scoop, so, out of a $100 bill, you are at least promised some change.
When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost-empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what “redistribution of wealth” is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
Last Tuesday, President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: “Nice pigs, sir.”
The President replied: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.”
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said, “Excellent trade, sir.”
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.
Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what he knew what would certainly follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.
“No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he'd yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the ‘pro’ would again bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…
“See what you get for five bucks!”
Copyright © 2005-2017 William R. Penning. All rights reserved.