Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
“We don't have half-dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.
“You don't?” I replied.
“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.
“So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”
“That's right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?”
I said to her, “I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.”
She said, “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy”.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they” — she pointed to a distant convenience store — “would have a battery to fit this?”
“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked.
“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.”
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”
“Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister.
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
“I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He's lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!”
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!”
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on video tape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, “Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.”
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
In Kentucky, two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck! Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine…
With their bumper still attached to the chain…
With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper…
They were quickly arrested.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor-home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this: “Put all your money in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK,” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
But you still get a sign.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don't believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
We live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said, “May I have large bills, please.”
She looked at me and said, “I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her…
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!”
His reply: “I know. I already got that side.”
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower.
He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.” I responded that ½ was larger than ¼.
He said, “No, it's not. 4 is larger than 2.”
We haven't used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, “you gave me too much money.”
I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75 in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce”.
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”
He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That's why we ask.”
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing’, our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.”
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name: “Le-a”?
Lee - A? Nope.
Lay - a? No.
Lei? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced “Ledasha”. When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don't be silent.”
So, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
Copyright © 2005-2017 William R. Penning. All rights reserved.