Lawyer Jokes

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Q & A

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A. A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Q. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A. Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer (suer).

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
A3: Your light bulb or theirs?
A4: 53… 8 to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.

Q. What's the difference between baseball and law?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q. Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A. New Jersey had first choice.

Q. What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A. Not enough cement.

Q. What do you call ten thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A. A good beginning.

Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A. Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q. How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A. She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q. How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
A. Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.

Q. Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A. The cats keep covering them up with sand.

Q. What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A1. The vulture doesn't take its wing-tips off at night.
A2. The vulture eventually lets go.

Q. How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?
A. There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
A. They both enjoy carving up the pie.

Q. What do lawyers do after they die?
A. They lie still.

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

Q. Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A. Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q. Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A. You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
A. Your Honor.

Anecdotes

When Grandma Goes to Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

Eating Grass

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don't have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don't know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the godfather, “He says he doesn't know what you are talking about”

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, “Ask him again or I'll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Engineer in Hell

One day, an engineer died and went to Heaven. But, St. Peter said, “I can't let you in because your name is not on the list.” So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in.

Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, “So, Satan, how's it down there in Hell?”

Satan replies, “Well, it's great! I've got an engineer down here and he has built air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else he's gonna build next.”

Then God asks, “You've got an engineer down there? That's a big mistake; send him up here right now!”

“No way!” Satan shot back. “This is the best thing that's ever happened to Hell.”

So God demands, “Send him up or I'll sue!”

To which Satan retorts, smirking, “Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer?”

Ambulance Chasers

“Everybody in my family follows the medical profession,” said John. “They're all lawyers.”

Definition of Lawyer

Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.

The Rabbit and the Snake

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.”

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said “you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.”

Burial Customs

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there.” They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Itemized Billing

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: “Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. – $50.00.”

Car Accident

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

Free Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Marry a Lawyer

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. “Isn't there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.

“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”

Starting a Flood

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”

The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”

Shark

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, “Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden.”

“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?”

Too Young to Die?

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

“That's odd,” said St. Peter. “According to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old.”

Professional Courtesy

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy.

Golfing

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. “I'm an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.”

“I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”

“I'll take it,” the attorney said.

Fair Trial

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”

Justice

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

Definition of Lawsuit

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.

Robot Lawyers?

A lawyer's job is secure, who would build a robot to do nothing?

A Strange Lawyer

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here likes an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can't do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘Here Lies an Honest Lawyer.’”

“But that won't let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim ‘That's Strange!’”

The Unused Seat

A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, “Oh, they're all at the funeral.”

BMW Wreck

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you're bleeding, your left arm is gone!”

The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

Job Application

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, “No.” The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was, “Why?” Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it, “Never got caught.”

Witnesses

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. “Are those people over there your witnesses?” her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, “Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself.”

The Brass Rat

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again.”

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.”

The man quickly replied, “Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

Who's Getting Punished?

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. “That's unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman's punishment?”

The Picture

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough. The bartender said, “I've got to ask you, what's with the pocket business?”

“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough.”

A Man and his Alligator

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.”

Brain Transplant

A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant. He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor's brain was $500, a banker's brain was $1,500 and a scientist's brain was $2,500. Then he noticed a brain in the far recesses of the room that had a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, the surgeon replied, “Oh, that's a lawyer's brain. It's never been used!”

The Mexican Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, “You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.’”

The Minister and the Lawyer

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”

The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but I said instead ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

Lawyer on the Phone

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month.” He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I'm just here to hook up your phone.”

Congress

A quote attributed to Founding Father John Adams in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”

Lawyer's Fees

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

Small Town Lawyers

A small town that can't support one lawyer can always support two.

Wrong Destination

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can't take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Impersonating a Lawyer

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

The New Dean

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

Tour of Hell

A well-known evangelist of the last century, Lorenzo Dow, arrived in a Kansas town one very cold winter night. Looking for heat, he went into the general store. Around the stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let a stranger in to share the warmth. When finally able to introduce himself, he mentioned that he'd had a vision in a dream a short time before. “Like Dante's immortal traveler, I was given a tour of Hell.”

“Well, Mr. Dow, what did you find there?” inquired one of his listeners.

“The same thing I find here,” replied the preacher. “All the lawyers right in the hottest place.” They moved over and made room for him.

Unfit Testimony

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.

“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Lawyer's Brain

A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain. She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600. She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That's fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.

“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer's brain cost $10,000?”

“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?” the doctor replied.

Case Settled

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. “Dad, listen!” he shouted, “I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.”

“Settled it?” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”

Sleeping in the Barn

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn. Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there. Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there. The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn. Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

Hijacking

An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked. The terrorists threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Estate Fee

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very complex,” said the lawyer, “but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.”

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500,” the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for one hour's work isn't bad.”

The Elderly Witness

An elderly defense witness gave testimony in a three-year-old murder case. His responses were slow, and he prefaced each with the words “I think.” The prosecutor, eager to destroy the old man's credibility as a witness, haughtily remarked, “You think the accused had gone. You think his car was a Chevy. You think you saw the deceased alive after the accused left. Your entire testimony consists of ‘I think’. Don't you know anything?”

With the same deliberation as before, the old man replied, “Young fellow, I cannot speak without first thinking. I am not an attorney.”

The Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.” “I'll take the lawyer's heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.”

Selling Newspapers

An experienced editor trying to explain the newspaper to a cub reporter: “You can't sell any papers with a ‘dog bites man’ story, but ‘Client Runs Off with Attorney's Funds’, why, that would sell out a special edition.”

Seen but not Heard

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

The Glass Eye

At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, “It's obvious that the left one is phony!”

The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it's easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”

Mark Twain's Humor

At a New England society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address when Mr. Evarts arose, shoved both of his hands down into his trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly remarked: “Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?”

Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided, and then drawled out: “Doesn't it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?”

New Lawyers

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by the year 2000 there will be more lawyers than humans.

Law Degree

Between grand theft and a legal fee,
There only stands a law degree.

Children's Behavior

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Questions for a Lawyer

Client: “Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me?”

Lawyers: “Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?”

So Sue Me

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

New Stamps

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Lawyer's Identity

First lawyer: “You're an unmitigated liar.”

Second lawyer: “You're a lowdown cheat.”

Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

Stranded on a Desert Island

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.

Lawyers in Heaven

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?”

New Movie

Have you seen the current remake of the movie Cape Fear? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

Clocks in Hell

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, “I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?”

“They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,” replied the devil. “What's your second question?”

“Well,” said the lawyer, “I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?”

Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. “Oh, yes!” he finally exclaimed. “We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan.”

Drowning

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

An Apple a Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

The Lawyer and the Judge

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a lawyer!”

The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.”

New Evidence

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

Monthly Lawyer's Fees

Lawyer: “Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.”

Client: “I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!”

Lawyer: “You're right. Mine.”

Tanned Lawyers

Lawyers don't tan, they just appeal.

Jury Duty

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. “I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”

“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

The Lawyer's Blessing

May you have a lawsuit in which you are sure you are right.

Going to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.”

Old Lawyers

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Swearing to Tell the Truth

One juror overheard saying to another. “You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”

Criminal Lawyers

Out of towner: “Any criminal lawyers in this town?”

Local: “Yes. But none of them are in jail.”

The Hundred Dollar Bill

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Divorce

She: “You just don't care anymore!”

He: “You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better?”

She: “Like what?”

He: “How about a trip to Europe?”

She: “No.”

He: “What about a new Jaguar?”

She: “No.”

He: “Well, what do you want?”

She: “A divorce.”

He: (Pause) “I wasn't planning on spending that much.”

The Six-Day War

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. “Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge, and boy, did they know how to charge.”

Deal with the Devil

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in Hell for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “What's the catch?”

Honesty

The judge admonished the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Judicial Process

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Law School

The reason law schools have been described as “a place for the accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out, and so knowledge accumulates.

Locking the Safe

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office, I forgot to lock the safe!”

“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We're both here.”

Chicken Stealing

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:

The judge: “Are you the defendant?”

Defendant: “Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.”

Ex-Convicts

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.

The Law and the Judge

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

Proud Mothers

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”

The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”

“That's nothing,” replied the third. “My son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

The Nut

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said, “The nut is mine, I saw it first.”

The other said, “The nut is mine, I have it in my hand.”

They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the lawyer to decide their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for the opportunity and said, “I will settle your dispute this way. Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And for my fee, I'll keep the meat.”

Ambulance Chasing

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. “How's business?” asked the first.

“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”

The Lawyers and the Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You're crazy, you'll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don't have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

Lawyers Hunting

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Let's Be Honest

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

Probate Lawyers

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: “It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.”

The Balloon Voyage

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”

The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”

The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”

The first says, “That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”

Ethics

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

Contingent Fee

When asked “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”

Sliding Fee Schedule

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

Fee for Thought

I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Why do you say that? Listen to this from his bill: “For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.”

Quotes

A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. —Benjamin Franklin

A good lawyer is a great liar. —Edward Ward

A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice. —Anonymous

A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs. —Anonymous

I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character. —Woodrow Wilson

I, Lucius Titus, have written this, my testament, without any lawyer, following my own natural reason rather than excessive and miserable diligence. —The Will of a Citizen of Rome

Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments if lawyers had written The Ten Commandments. —Harry Bender

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. —Lenny Bruce

In the law, the only thing certain is the expense. —Samuel Butler

It is better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law. —Chinese proverb

It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery. —Samuel Goldwyn

Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law. —Ambrose Bierce

Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others. —James Gibbons Haneker

Lawyers have been know to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent. —Oscar Wilde

Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good… even when they try. —Charles E. Sherman

Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. —Ambrose Bierce

Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same. —Benjamin Franklin.

Personally, I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer. —Will Rogers

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. —William Shakespeare

The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. —Will Rogers

There are three sorts of lawyers, able, unable and lamentable. —Robert Smith Surtees

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. —Jean Giradoux

Virtue in the middle, said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers. —Danish proverb

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty; When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace; When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice. —Lin Yutang

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff. —Cicero

Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. —A lawyer speaking to a judge

All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges. —Peter Cook

I was never ruined but twice, once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one. —Voltaire

Actual Courtroom Dialogue Snippets

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan!

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
A: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
A: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Are you qualified to ask that question?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: Take a guess.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.”

Actual Questions from Lawyers

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Were you alone or by yourself?

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

So you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

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