Q. Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A. To hide the valve stem.
Q. What does a blonde say if you ask her if the blinker on her car is working?
A. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.…
Q. What goes, VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH!…?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q. Why did the blonde die in the helicopter crash?
A. She got cold and turned the fan off.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It's square and has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…”
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy. 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your load!”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, “Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!”
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: “Ma'am, are you sure you're using the right gears?”
Full of anger, the blonde replies: “You fool! You idiot! How on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid, you know! Of course I'm using the right gears. I use ‘D’ during the day and ‘N’ at night.”
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it's me!”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don't do it!!!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you're next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me… I know 'em all.”
A friend says, “OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that's easy. It's ‘W’.”
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: “Is it mine?”
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to describe Easter.
The first blonde said, “Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks, and eat turkey.”
St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, “Blondes…” and banished her from Heaven.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts.” St. Peter said, “Wrong,” and he banished her from Heaven.
St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, “OK… you tell me.”
She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hanged Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.”
St. Peter was impressed. “Verrrrry good,” he said.
The blonde continued, “Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”
St. Peter fainted.
I was a passenger in a car driven by my friend Suzy (a blonde), when she noticed that the “Check oil” light was on. She pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood and got back into the car. “Can we make a quick stop?” she asked.
“Sure,” I replied. “What did you need to do?”
“I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick.”
“What do you need a longer one for?” I enquired.
“Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!”
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control, and I read you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”
She says, “I'm 5' 4" and I support Obama.”
“OK,” says the voice on the radio. “Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven…”
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Cincinnati Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did, he has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“"Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,“All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I'm like… Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!”
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park—” Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time.”
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a “Peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, “I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!”
The waitress says, “That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”
But the blonde keeps screaming, “I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!”
Finally the manager comes over and says, “Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!”
The blonde says, “No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!” She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…
“W I N A B A G E L”
Twenty women were climbing Mt. Everest. Nineteen were blondes and one was a brunette. As they were ascending a particularly difficult place, all twenty were hanging on to a single rope. It soon became evident that the rope would soon break, unless the weight were lessened. So in a fit of charitableness, the brunette offered to sacrifice herself to save her blonde companions. As she hung on, preparing to jump, she made a stirring speech about what she was about to do.
All the blondes applauded.
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.”
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays… “God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket.”
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in the first empty seat she finds. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. So the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her allocated seat.
The blonde replies, “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!”
The co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. Upon hearing that the pilot says, “You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak ‘blonde’.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I'm sorry”, gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal,” he said.
A car was tooling along down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. It kept going back and forth until someone with a cell phone finally called the police. A cop pulled the car over, and a blonde rolled down the window and said, “Officer, I'm so glad to see you're here! I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another, then another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!”
The officer looks at her, then says, “Ma'am, that's your air freshener.”
A 747 Jumbo Jet is on a flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii. Ten minutes into the flight, the Captain's voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have lost power in engine #1. We are in no danger, but our flight will be delayed 1 hour.”
Later, the Captain speaks again: “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have lost power in engine #2. We're sorry, but this will delay us for 2 hours.”
Later still, here comes the Captain on the speaker again: “Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost power in engine #3… this will delay our flight by 3 hours. Again, we're sorry for the inconvenience.”
Suddenly, a blonde exclaims: “Gosh! If we lose one more engine, we're going to be up here forever!”
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in printer!
March: Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said “2-4 years.”
April: Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out.
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June: Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms.
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is ‘C’. Isn't it?
October: Hate M & M's… They are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December: Couldn't call 911. Duh… there's no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!
Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper!
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again and I tried a new recipe. It said, “prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said to put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” So I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker followed me, the boss asked her, “And where do you think you're going?”
She said, “I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.”
Q. What is black and blue and brown and lies in a ditch?
A. A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.
Q. What does a brunette miss about a great party?
A. The invitation.
Q. What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage.
Q. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So brunettes can remember them.
Q. What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
A. At least the trash gets taken out once a week.
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. “Has the blonde left yet?”
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.
Q. What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
A. They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.
Q. How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt.
Copyright © 2005-2018 William R. Penning. All rights reserved.