One Liners

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You Know You're in a Redneck Church if…

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, “I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and Five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck, because, “it ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!”

The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by—and embroidered with the logo from—Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

The communion wine is Boone's Farm “Tickled Pink”.

“Thou shall not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.

The final words of the benediction are, “Y'all come back now! Ya hear?”

Some Interesting Questions

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced “onety-one”?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take “coffee breaks”?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “Theirs”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If you throw a cat out a car window, is it kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell “mnemonic”?

Why is it that your nose runs and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock “Go off” when it begins ringing?

Is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?

Why is it that when you sit up, the result is the same as when you sit down?

Isn't dieting moot, considering that “fat chance” is no different than “slim chance”?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we're there already?

Why are they called “stands” when you sit in them?

Why is it that when two planes almost collide, it's called a “near miss” rather than a “near hit”?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in planes instead of parachutes?

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?

If the 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why do their doors have locks on them?

If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out its nose?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick it to the frying pan?

Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you put it on a ship it's called cargo?

Why can't they make an airplane out of the same stuff as the black box?

If a Japanese man moves to the U.S., would he be disoriented?

If a rattlesnake doesn't bite you, is it still poisonous?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of your cat and dropped it from the kitchen table, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up ATM's?

Why do packages say “Open Here” on them? How can a person open the package from anywhere else?

Why isn't “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Actual Bumper Stickers

“Heisenberg may have slept here.”

“Black holes are out of sight!”

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

“I love cats… They taste just like chicken!”

“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”

“Cover me. I'm changing lanes.”

“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.”

“Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.”

“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”

“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”

“I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

“Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!”

“It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.”

“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

“When there's a will, I want to be in it!”

“Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?”

“If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?”

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!”

“It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.”

“Forget about World Peace… Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!”

“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”

“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

“We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.”

“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

“He who laughs last thinks slowest”

“Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.”

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”

“i souport publik edekasion”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”

“Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.”

“3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.”

“Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?”

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.”

“I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.”

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”. The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you – let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.

Farmer Bill Dies in House.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over.

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again.

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.

Eye Drops off Shelf.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told.

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.

War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Enfields Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.

Deer Kill 17,000.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charges.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Arson Suspect is Held In Massachusetts Fire.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.

Air Head Fired.

Man Steals Clock, Faces Time.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

Job Descriptions

Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Banker – A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the moment it begins to rain.

Economist – An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician – Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Programmer – Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Lawyer – A person who writes a ten-thousand word document and calls it a “brief”. (Check out Lawyer Jokes.)

Psychologist – A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Professor – One who talks in someone else's sleep.

Schoolteacher – A disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

Consultant – Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat – Someone who can tell you to go to Hades in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Comments by Women

Behind every successful woman is herself.

A woman is like a tea bag. You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are just better rich.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Quotes

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” —Albert Einstein

“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.” —Albert Einstein

“The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.” —Albert Einstein

When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”

“Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” Science, Philosophy and Religion: a Symposium (1941)

“If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.” —Albert Einstein, The Reporter, November 18, 1954

“God does not play dice with the universe.” —Einstein

Einstein was listening to a student of his when he stated: “Do not trouble me with your concerns with Mathematics. I assure you, mine are greater.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.” —Einstein

“The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.” —Albert Einstein

“Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.” —Albert Einstein

“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” —Albert Einstein

“I never thought that others would take them so much more seriously then I did.” —Albert Einstein about his theories

“Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.” —Albert Einstein

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” (Douglas Adams)

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” (Douglas Adams)

“I'm astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” (Woody Allen)

“Half of the people in the world are below average.” (Anonymous)

“Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.” (Anonymous)

On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK” (Anonymous)

“Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.” (Anonymous)

“Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore…” (Anonymous)

“Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.” (Anonymous)

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” (Anonymous)

“Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” (Anonymous)

“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.” (Anonymous)

“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.” (Anonymous)

“Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.” (Anonymous)

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.” (Anonymous)

“If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.” (Anonymous)

Only in America…

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Did you ever wonder…

…why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

…why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

…why you don't ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

…why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

…why doctors call what they do “practice”?

…why in order to stop Windows 7, you have to click on “Start”?

…why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

…why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

…why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

…why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

…who tests dog food when it is “new and improved tasting”?

…why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

…why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

…why they don't make the whole plane out of that indestructible stuff that the black box that is made out of?

…why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

…why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

…why they call the airport the “terminal”, if flying is supposed to be so safe?

Actual labels

On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (And that's the only time I have to work on my hair…)

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (Well… duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (And you thought…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (And I'm taking this because…)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to… what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash…)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Maybe, uh… fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Life's Little Realities

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life doesn't just begin at forty; it also begins to show then.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Thoughts

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I'll go on a head.”

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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