A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his granddaughter that, if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
A pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he talked for only 8 minutes. The second Sunday, he talked for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they asked him what happened.
The pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
A group of children were asked the following questions. Here are their responses.
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kristen, age 10)
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. (Camille, age 10)
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)
Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)
When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin, age 8)
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. (Ricky, age 10)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let hmself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Seventh Commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
Moses died before he ever reached Canada, then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the Three Wise Guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that a man does not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
One of the Opossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached Holy Acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called Monotony.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Class started before I got here.
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.
Millie: I is…
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, “I am.”
Millie: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to. My Mum is a good cook.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I'm drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mummy, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,’ or ‘That's Michael, He's a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there's the teacher, she's dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “'Cause your feet are not empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.”
The doctor asked, “Where?”
Kevin said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?”
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!! What the devil did you bring him around for?”
“'Cause he's thinking of getting married.”
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium—he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him. “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that's really sad,” says Bob. “But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” the man replies. “They're all at the funeral.”
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.”
The cow objected. “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years… I'll give back to you.” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of 20 years!”
The dog objected. “What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!” So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “A monkey has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I'll give you a 20 year life span.”
The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and you can have the other 10 back, thank you very much.” So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span.”
The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man… Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?” So God agreed.
And that is why in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news…
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was filled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, “I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver replied with a sheepish grin, “Not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I'd like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, “Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says “$30,000.”
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: “There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.”
A truck driver, noting that his brakes were failing, chose to hit an unoccupied toll booth, since he would not be able to stop. The booth was totally flattened by the impact, but before the trucker could think what to do, a maintenance vehicle arrived, and three workers jumped out and set to work putting the pieces together again. They just smeared the pieces with a white glue, and in minutes the booth was as good as new.
The amazed trucker asked, “What kind of glue is that?”
The workers replied, “Oh, that's Toll Gate Booth Paste.”
When you go to church this weekend, be sure to smile as you go through your Hymnals!
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician
And for the motorists among us, here are a few just for you:
Customer: I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through. Can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number, sir?
Customer: It's on the door of your business.
Operator: Sir, those are the hours that we are open.
Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Tech Support: OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?
Customer: Sure. You told me to write “click” and I wrote “click”.
Tech Support: OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the “OK” button displayed?
Customer: Wow! How can you see my screen from there?
Caller: I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
Operator: I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?
Operator: Does the policy name give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe): If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the “B” fell off.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label. “Woven in Scotland”…
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: “I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.”
(The Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.)
Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the “C: prompt” on the screen?
Caller: What's a “sea-prompt”?
Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What's a monitor?
Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Caller: I don't know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can't reach.
Operator: OK. Well, can you see if it is?
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark.
Caller: Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can't.
Operator: No? Why not?
Caller: Because there's a power failure.
Operator: A power… A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you're too darn stupid to own a computer!
Copyright © 2005-2018 William R. Penning. All rights reserved.