How it All Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures—Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth. So help me Google.
Computer Gender
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’, for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa’. ‘Pencil’, however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz’.
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), for the following reasons:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el ordenador’), for these reasons:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
- They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
The women won.
Tech Support for Seniors
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
Tech support: Click on the “my computer” icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says “Can't find printer.” I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a ‘P’.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’… On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'm not going to do that!
How to tell if a Redneck has been using your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keys only go up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And the #1 sign is
1. The mouse is referred to as “the critter”.
High-Tech, Country Style
Log On: Making a wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the woodstove
Download: Getting the farwood out of the pickup
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful gittin the farwood
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from trying to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing whut splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter time
Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
Byte: Whut them durned flies do
Chip: Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: Whut's left in the munchies bag
Modem: Whatcha did to the hay field
Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar ya hang the keys
Software: Them plastic forks and knives
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northern talk for “y'all c'mon in”
Random Access Memory: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yer wife asks
Mouse Pad: Hippie talk fer the rat hole
Cartoons
Windows, Oriental Style
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 10 actual error messages from Japan. Enjoy…
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But, now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Abbott and Costello on Buying a Computer
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No, On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
Costello: I'm going to click your blue ‘W’ if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on ‘Start”…